The Leaving Series II: Bitter Hearts
by allekto
Summary: a look at Taichi's life after his relationship with Yamato fell apart- obviously yaoi, lots of depression


Notes: wow.  A Taito/Yamachi fic from me of all people.  Something that isn't DaiKensuke… holy crap.  Watch out though- angst ahoy!  This is a story that runs parallel to my other fic The Leaving Series I-Blood & Bone, which was going to have a second chapter, but I have since scrapped it.  The events of said chapter will be covered in this fic anyway.  After this, there is going to be one more story to finish out the series.  And it's going to be brutal.  Fun.

Warnings: yaoi, emotional turmoil, psychotic Taichi, suicidal Yamato, sort of cannon

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, there's a company that does, and I'm not even a shareholder.  And I don't own the song, that belongs to Better Than Ezra- written by Kevin Griffin.

**The Leaving Series II**: **Bitter Hearts, chapter 1- Porcelain**

Once, not so long ago, Tai had not been such an anger ridden young man.  Months before (or was it years now?) he had been happier than he would have ever believed possible.  Sure, he was hotheaded and had a quicksilver temper, but his upset always dissipated before.  Then again, that was before…

Hey you've got a lot of nerve 

_To show your face 'round here_

Hey you've got a lot of nerve 

_To dredge up all my fears_

If Taichi could have his way, things would have turned out so differently.  The anger that burned inside him would have stayed passionate.  His love for Yamato would have stayed pure.  Everything about him would not have become so acidic, so bitter, so… broken.

But, Tai could not have things his way.  And so, at the first inkling of conflict, when everything began to shatter, the Chosen of Courage had retreated into a protective shell.  A shell that eventually became warped, twisted, corroded.  He hadn't meant for things to go that way, they simply had.  If he thought about it- really thought about it- then he could pinpoint certain events that triggered what he had begun to think of as his downward spiral.

Everything centered on Yamato and Tai's love for the blond.  He had thought the love was returned.  What a fool he was.  Their sparkling romance, a tender courtship that lead to the inevitable passion that was explored cautiously and then fervently.  A relationship built from friendship that bloomed into love.  That very analogy made Tai cringe.  Friendship and _love_.  Oh yes, how perfect they were together.

Sitting in his office at work, Taichi felt the sneer on his face.  It had been twelve years since they had first gone to the Digital World and things had changed.  Even his little sister had grown up.  She was in college with most of the second generation of Chosen.  Hikari, Takeru, Ken, Miyako, and Iori had all gone on to higher education while their fearless leader, Daisuke, had gotten through high school by the skin of his teeth.  It was not that Dai was stupid, just that he hadn't tried.  That was all right with Taichi though, it meant he got to see the younger man more frequently.  As for the older group… that was a complicated affair.  Something Tai just would not let his mind settle on for extended periods of time.  Unless, of course, he was thinking about Yamato.

A flaxen-haired siren, with a golden voice and skin to match.  Sapphire eyes that changed with emotions- deep blue for longing, blue-gray for sadness, nearly violet for anger.  That perfect golden cream skin stretched out over muscle and bone, curving at his pelvis and the small of his back, revealing the flat planes of his chest.  Tai knew that skin so well.  Having tasted the delicious treat of sweat, salt, and something else that was distinctly Yamato.  Having marked that skin with love bites and scratches, and even later with punches.  Later, when Yamato's eyes were violet nearly all the time.  Before he left for good.

Sighing, Taichi decided he probably wasn't going to get any real work done.  Time to go.  Nevermind the fact that he had only been at work for two and a half hours.  He could already feel that it was going to be a depressed day.  Those kinds of days had been cropping up more and more as of late.  Like a little trip down Pain Street by way of Memory Lane.  Of course, there were perks to being a higher-up at work.  It meant he could leave whenever he felt like it.  So long as he brought some work home with him and got it done, nobody would care.  The job was nice and it paid well enough, but it was not something he wanted to keep forever.  He would probably quit in a couple years.

After making his decision, Tai picked up the phone.  "Hey, where are you?"  There was a brief pause filled only by the muffled voice on the other end of the phone.  "So, what're you doing today?"  He stood up and started putting his coat on.  "Yeah, I'm leaving.  It's going to be a shitty day if I stay here, I can tell."  After finally managing to shrug into his coat and pack up a few things, he hesitated and closed his eyes.  "Please stop lecturing me.  I don't need to hear a bunch of bullshit from you, just meet me at my place in twenty minutes."  Without waiting any longer he hung up and left the office.

Well I wish I could shake some sense into you 

_And walk out the door_

But your skin is like porcelain 

_Yeah your skin is like porcelain_

Twenty minutes later, Tai met up with Daisuke outside his apartment building.  As they went in the younger man studied his friend with an intense gaze.  "You look like shit, Tai.  What's wrong?"

"Just thinking about stuff.  It's that time of year, you know?"  He saw his friend nod.  Dai knew all about what had happened between his two predecessors.  Taichi had told him about it when he noticed the shy glances between the redhead and the Keeper of Kindness.  All the telltale signs of love and paranoia.  When he had asked Daisuke about it, the new leader of the Destined had broken down crying and made the confession of a lifetime.  Apparently, he had been seeing Ken when he was still the Kaiser, but they had broken things off.  Dai had never really given the details of the breakup, but Taichi could guess.  Especially since Ken had changed shortly thereafter.  "So, where's Ken right now anyway?"

"Mid-terms.  He's got a test and a presentation this week.  I haven't seen him too much lately."  The younger man shrugged as they stepped into the elevator.  It was an interesting way of explaining things.

Taichi eyed his friend.  He understood the vague emotion in Daisuke's voice.  Whenever Yamato was busy for days at a time he had felt the same way.  Jealous and terrified that he was going to lose the blond at any second.  The other man had always reassured him that things would be fine and he was just being silly.  In the end though… Blinking quickly, Tai coughed to hide the hurt of the past.  "You guys still going on that trip?"

At the mention of it, Dai instantly brightened.  "Oh hell yeah!  I can't wait."  The redhead sighed a bit.  "I just hope everything goes well."

"I'm sure it will."  Tai's lips quirked in a wry sort of smile as they stepped out of the elevator.  The last part of Daisuke's confession was an explanation of how he and Ken had resumed their relationship after the dust settled from the final showdown with Daemon.  Jogressing had reopened all the lock-boxes the pair had used to fight off their emotions.  While Ken had tried to fight it, wanting to be the perfect son after causing his parents so much grief, even he had to admit defeat eventually.  From the smile on Dai's face every time he told the story, when he and Ken got back together it had been something to remember.  At the time, Tai had been as excited as his friend.  Now he couldn't help the twinge of jealousy at the thought of how wonderful Ken and Daisuke's relationship was.  

"You're frowning," Dai interrupted the other man's thoughts.  "What are you thinking about that has you so upset?"  Ah, there it was.  Despite whatever Miyako whined about or Takeru insisted upon, Daisuke was anything but dumb.  Maybe it was the inheritance of Friendship that allowed him to see into people so well. 

Tai bit his lip.  Friendship… He shook his head to free himself of the memories and unlocked his door.  After removing his coat and shoes he was fairly sure he could speak.  "Just being a little jealous," he replied quietly.  "That's all."

Snorting, Dai followed Taichi into the living room.  "That's all?"  Sitting on the couch, he gave a short, bitter laugh.  "What are you jealous of?  The fact that I almost never get to see Ken?  Or that when I do, the others are always around so I can't even touch him?  How about the fact that he still isn't ready to tell anyone about us?  I think that one's pretty good."  By the time he finished, his voice was harsh.  No matter what else happened, Daisuke loved Ken.  He _loved_ him.  With everything that he was.  And it nearly broke him to know that Ken was too afraid to tell anyone about their relationship.

Taken aback, the older man sat down as well.  "I didn't know," was all he said, voice soft.  No wonder, Dai had been so quiet lately.

Swiping at his nose, the younger man tried to smile.  "Yeah, well…" Unable to finish he just shrugged and swallowed the tears away.  "That's why I've been so excited about us going away on this trip.  I'll get to see him and have him all to myself while I'm at it."

The smile on Tai's face was bittersweet.  Standing up he ruffled his friend's hair.  As much as he didn't want to speak up about it, he knew the path that the relationship was heading towards.  "Want something to drink?"

When Daisuke looked up to give his joking reply, he froze and his smile faded.  Right then, he knew why Tai was being so cautious, why he was so upset.  How could he have missed it before?  Just behind Tai's head was a framed portrait that matched the theme of all the other pictures in the apartment.  It was a picture of Yamato and Taichi on their seventh anniversary, when they had gone to Hong Kong to celebrate.  There was a sparkling ring on the blonde's finger and tears in his eyes- Tai had proposed that night.  The picture made him pause a moment.

As he watched the play of emotions on the redhead's face, Taichi scowled.  "Dai?"  That seemed to snap the other man out of his trance.  He shook his head, causing the brunette to shrug and move into the kitchen.  When he went back into the other room he saw that Daisuke had risen from the couch and was studying the photos on the tables and walls.

"Do you really think that Ken and I… that that'll happen to us?"  His cinnamon eyes were filled with tears and his voice was thick.  The question didn't accuse Taichi of doubt; it only reflected that Daisuke had worries of his own.

Looking at the small framed picture in Daisuke's hands, Tai felt his lips tug downward again.  It was a snapshot of the four of them: Taichi with Yamato, and Daisuke with Ken.  He took the picture from his friend, looking at how happy they all were.  Smiling, joyous, so ready for their future.  But it had all been so fragile, ready to break at a moment's notice.  So fragile… "I don't know," he whispered.

Just the other day I felt 

_I had you by a string_

_Just the other day I felt_

_We could be everything_

Taichi sat in darkness, the night stretching out around him.  If he paid close enough attention he could hear the lively, wonderful sounds of people outside.  Laughing, joking, hollering, staggering- having fun and partying.  Wincing as he sat up, he rubbed his face until it was nearly sore.  Another sleepless night it seemed.  No matter how much time went by, his heart wasn't healing.  It still hurt as though the wound were fresh, scraping and bleeding.

Just a few short months ago, it would have been him and Yamato out there on the streets.  His beautiful blond had loved to go out, almost every night.  They would find the cheapest places to have dinner and wine.  Their nights had been filled with laughter, passion.  Wandering the streets, clutching each other in drunkenness since it was the only time it was truly acceptable for them to be so close in public.  Yamato had always been shy about revealing their relationship to the world.  Though, after a while, the pair had been certain that their siblings had figured things out.  No one talked about it if they knew; they simply let it happen.  Tai had no complaints about that.  Being with Yamato made him feel complete, like he could challenge the world to anything and never back down.  It made fire dance under his skin, in his eyes.  Their love gave them wings and together they soared across the troubles of life.  Or, they had tried to.

"It was all such a lie," Tai whispered to himself.  Always to himself, there was no one else around to hear.

Eventually Tai's jealousy got the better of both of them.  And Yamato never seemed able to overcome his reluctance to share the truth with their friends.  It had caused such a huge rift between them that everything became a struggle.  Simple conversations were unbearable with tension.  They spent less and less time together, which only scared Taichi even more.  Sex was a tangled net of desperation and pain- more based on habit than genuine emotion.  When Tai finally tried to talk to his lover about things, Yamato had exploded in rage.  Tai was too possessive, he was too controlling, too demanding, too jealous, just _too much_.  

The reaction was not what the Chosen of Courage had expected, and his own retaliation was even uglier.  He had screamed at Yamato calling him a slut, a whore, a fool, a vapid worthless good for nothing fuck- just a piece of ass that he should have screwed around with and never thought about again.  None of it was true.  The truth was that he loved Yamato more than anything, so much that it hurt.  Tai loved him in such a fierce way that it was terrifying.  But he wasn't going down without a battle.  When the Chosen of Friendship had just gaped at him and started sobbing, he began to wonder if their relationship could have ever been anything more than brutal fights and bouts of sex.  That one thought was the beginning of the end.  

Because everything changed after that.  Yamato became distant, haggard.  Taichi fell into his shell only showing a vicious side to the world.  His only saving grace was that none of the other Destined had to see him in that state.  Sure, they probably heard about it later on, but none of them had to live through it the way Yamato did.  If the blond had thought Tai was controlling before, he was only a thousand times worse after the fight.  

Just the memory of what he had done made Taichi's breath hitch.  Tears fell from his eyes while he cried for what he had lost.  The love he had been so desperate for but not strong enough to keep.  "Yama, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  I love you, Yamato.  I'm so sorry…"

The night was silent around him, his memories stilled as he sobbed unheard apologies to his lost love.

But now when I see you You're somebody else 

_In somebody's eyes_

_And your skin is like porcelain_

Another day, another problem.  Work was always dull, but Taichi decided it would be better to hide in his office than deal with all the memories at his apartment.  It was an absolute mess after his crying jag the previous night.  He had torn pictures from the walls, thrown frames, sobbed, choked, and cried.  Oddly enough, his neighbors had not called the police, which was just as well.  He didn't feel like explaining that he had cut himself with the glass from the frames.  There were smudges of blood on both the floors and the walls.  In the light of day he still wasn't sure if the cuts had been intentional.  Most of the previous night's actions were a blur.

Burying his head in his hands, Tai let out a low groan.  He hated feeling weak more than anything.  Yet every thought of Yamato rendered him completely helpless.  Ironic considering.  When all he wanted was to have the blond back he had only pushed him further and further away.  Towards the end of their relationship, Taichi had stopped being careful of his temper.  Of course, Yamato had too.  They fought each other in every way possible, and over such foolish things…

It was still something Tai refused to think about.  But he knew those fights were the reason he had lost his beloved.  Lost him to someone else.  Opening one of the desk drawers, the Chosen of Courage pulled out a small, time-worn photograph.  Sapphire eyes looked up at him from the small rectangle of paper.  It was all he would allow himself at work, but it was more than enough.

The photograph was from the last time he and Yamato had been together without screaming or resorting to physical violence against one another.  A week before the blond left.  Then one night, Tai had returned to his apartment to find his lover waiting for him looking cold, stiff.

_..."What's wrong Yama?"_

_The other man merely moved away when Tai tried to touch his face.  "I can't see you anymore, Taichi."_

_His full name- not a nickname or a pet name.  At first he thought it had to be a joke.  "Why?"_

_Yamato looked at his lover with blue-gray eyes that threatened to overflow with tears.  "Because I can't do this anymore.  I love you, Tai.  I really do.  But we're going to kill each other."_

_The brunette was silent.  Something didn't seem to fit.  Voice hushed, he asked the one question he would later regret: "It's her isn't it?"_

_Yamato paled, and that was all the answer Tai needed.  Regaining his composure, the blond held up a shaky hand, smoothed his hair, and settled back into his defiant stance as his hand passed over his face.  Like magic, he was detached and unfeeling.  "You always knew it would be."_

_The words were true and stung in their bitterness.  Oddly enough though, Taichi didn't cry then.  No, that came later.  In that moment he had only felt tired and simply nodded.  "You're already becoming exactly what she wants," he had whispered, eyes closing.  "You're already turning out just like her."_

_There was no sound of reply.  Yamato was too shocked; Tai realized when he opened his eyes again.  _

_With an empty heart weighed down in denial and physical shock, the brunette he gestured to the door.  "She's waiting for you downstairs."_

_As he passed by Tai on his way out the door, Yamato stopped.  "Tai… I… I just…"_

_"Just go."  The words were whispered and he refused to say the other man's name.  "Get out of my apartment."…_

She had been waiting too.  Trying to hide down in the lobby.  But Tai knew, he'd always known.  It had been obvious from the first moment Yamato had gone to talk to her.  Everything… was different.  _He_ was different.  And Tai had hated it.  Had hated himself for knowing, had hated Yamato for being so susceptible to it, and had hated her for causing it.  _Love_- what a joke.  If anything, love was a painful, and perhaps fickle, union.  Something that a creature of Courage should stay away from.  But oh how he wanted his lover back.  Needed that Friendship in his life to balance him, to make him hurt less.  

It would never happen.  Yamato belonged to someone else.  From the way they had talked about it, the blond had seemed to want to lie and say that he had always belonged to someone else, with someone else.  Tai might have been a lot of things- angry, hardheaded, loud, energetic, a bit spastic- but he certainly wasn't stupid.  Perhaps the assumption was a curse that came with the goggles.  No, he knew just as he had always known, the Yamato belonged with him.  He always would.  _Always_.

The simple word sent a mental snarl ricocheting through Taichi and he felt his lip curl reflexively.  He wanted so badly to be able to show his love exactly what kind of lie he had bought into.  She was leading him on, wasting his love, wasting his life.  There were plenty of days when Tai seriously entertained the notion of simply killing her and being done with it.  That, however, would have... complications.  And he didn't think Yamato would ever forgive him.  Even though they both knew that the blond didn't love Sora.  But she was sweet and understanding and comforting- a safe choice in a world of so many possible failures.  Someone to provide sanctuary when Tai had stormed in rage, had erupted in acidic loathing.  He supposed it was probably for the best that she had coaxed him away.  Though he would only admit that to himself in the darkest places of his heart, the places where he was still truly a Chosen and had no real fears.

Someday soon, Tai decided, he would have to face him.

_I don't know what I'm saying._

_Well, I don't know if you're there._

_In the words you are feigning._

Do you even care? 

As luck would have it, Taichi did see him again.  Someone had suckered him into going out for a few drinks after work.  He was still a relative newcomer and people were genuinely curious about him.  The consensus had been that once he had a few drinks in him he would probably loosen up.  Of course, none of his co-workers knew that when he said a few drinks he actually meant a few cups of coffee or glasses of water.  He hadn't had a _real_ drink since his last week with Yamato.  After that he was acutely aware of what alcohol did to his judgement and how it made him act.  That was bad- to put it in blunt understatement.

Still, sitting there and chatting with people who seemed friendly enough, he had gotten into the groove of conversation.  They joked and laughed, it was generally a calming atmosphere.  Something he could get used to, really.  And he had let his guard down- just a little.  Just enough to give them a glimpse of the charisma he had once used to enchant everyone.  The confidence, however shaken it might have been, to get through anything.  He saw the amazement in their eyes.  Especially when he barely brushed on the subject of a painful relationship from his past.  The details he had offered were very few, but they seemed enough to make his co-workers wish that they could be as strong, as accepting as he was.  His laughter caught in his throat at the first familiar gleam of blond hair.

The hair was, of course, the first thing he noticed.  Not simply because a blond in Tokyo stood out, and not because he knew that particular blond so very well.  It was because he had cut his hair.  Tai stiffened in his seat, expression freezing, eyes going blank.  The people at the table with him glanced around to see who it was he had been staring at.  Shaken, but not willing to admit true defeat he had excused himself, saying he needed to use the restroom.

Once in the bathroom he had simply collapsed against a wall, panting.  "She made him cut his hair," he whispered.  The revelation probably would have been much more profound if some of the other Chosen had been there to witness it.  And it made him wonder how many of them already knew anyway.  If they thought it cold and unnerving that Sora could bend Yamato and twist him into whatever she wanted.  She had always made fun of his hair, saying it was too effeminate or too hippy-ish.  It was probably the first request she'd made.  Cut your hair or find yourself someone else.  Cut your hair or go back to the filth she had taken him from.  Back to Taichi...

He took no notice of who came and went from the small, tiled room.  It was too much to try and collect his thoughts and maintain an observance of who walked through the door.  Which is why he was caught, red-handed, off guard, completely frightened when a familiar voice broke through his panic.

"Taichi?"  The voice was soft with a disbelieving quality to it.  So soft that anyone else might have missed it.  But Tai knew that voice all too well to ever miss one sound from that golden throat.  

The brunette sighed and wished he had gone back to his apartment, or that he had died as opposed to going out for drinks.  "Hello, Yamato," he tried his best to keep his voice steady.  Courage, yes?  That was the ticket.  Be strong, be brave, don't let him see the tears, don't let him see, don't let him in...

"It's... good to see you."  The pause made Tai wonder what else had flashed through Yamato's mind.

"Wish I could say the same or that it was good to be seen."  His reply was harsh.  He meant it to be.  More anger equaled a shorter conversation and a quicker escape from the hell he was trapped in.

Frowning, the blond moved closer to his old friend and once lover.  "I mean it, Tai."  There was an insistence in his voice, something different than his past tone.  "It really is good to see you.  It's been... a while."  Again, that pause made him wonder about things.

"I meant it too, Yamato."  It was difficult to use his full name.  When all he wanted was to cry, to ask so many questions, to run to the other man... But, it seemed, there was no easy break to be had in the situation.  Sighing again, Tai finally turned to look at the so familiar face.  Cutting off the other man, he spoke quickly.  "Yeah, I'm still an asshole.  So what the fuck else is new?"  Rubbing at his temple he had to look away.  Yamato, even with butchered hair, was still a creature of beauty.  "You come to this place often?"

Settling back, mostly due to surprise, the Chosen of Friendship nodded.  "Often enough," his voice was still quiet.  No scathing remarks or witty comebacks despite the best bait Tai could have offered up.  "Do you?"

Ah, so it was to be absolutely meaningless conversation then?  Fine- he could play that stupid little game.  "No, actually.  I don't drink anymore," the unspoken reason loomed over the pair as searing earthen eyes met unyielding sapphire.  "But, a few of my colleagues managed to sucker me into happy hour."  Giving a mirthless chuckle, the brunette shook his head.  "I really should be getting back to them.  They'll think I died or something in here."

Not even a flicker of emotion from Yamato.  Just an acknowledging nod- and that made Taichi insane, but no more so than his next words.  "Well, if you get a chance stop by our table before you leave.  I'd like to catch up and I'm sure Sora would love to see you."

More things still unspoken.  Things that rang in Tai's mind with implication.  Insinuations that hurt, cutting deeply from someone he had once trusted with his life.  And as much as he wanted to lie and toss bullshit around, he couldn't.  "I don't think so, Yamato."  He took a breath and turned away.  "I think it will be a very long time before you see me again."  With that, he walked out of the men's room- amazingly enough, without wanting to see the pained look on the blonde's face.  It served him right, anyway.

Shaking, trembling, he had to clench his fists to keep from hitting anything.  He ground his teeth and tried to collect whatever sense of dignity or logic he still possessed as he walked back to his co-workers.  None of them knew him well enough to notice any difference.  Inside he had to laugh.  Anyone else that knew him (Daisuke in particular) would have been fretting over the amount of volatile energy coming off of Taichi in waves.  

Sitting back down he gave a grin at the jokes being passed around the table.  Shook off the trivial questions that asked if he was all right- they only asked because he had been gone so long.  He said just enough to let them know he had run into an old acquaintance.  Ten minutes passed and he had to leave.  He could see them from where he sat.  So content with their lives.  So utterly fucking _perfect_.  It made him want to kill something or someone. 

When he finally stood to bid his colleagues good night he decided to throw them some gossip.  After all, it wasn't just his reputation on the line if he did it.  Nothing like a minute bit of payback to make up for the oceans of misery he was drowning in.  He only said just enough to get their attention.  Motioning to Yamato and putting enough hurt in his eyes to make them understand.  At first, they seemed to question, but he laid any and all misunderstandings to rest.

"It was him," he said as he tossed his coat over his shoulder and headed for the door.

_Well I wish I could kill you,_

_Savor the sight._

_Get in to my car, drive into the night..._

Home again, home again jiggety jig.  Tai stopped just inside the main doorway and sighed.  With his whimsical outing after work he had forgotten what a mess his apartment was.  Closing the door one handed he pulled off his coat with the mindset that he was going to clean everything up.  Instead he let his intentions fall away and simply dropped the coat on the floor.  Stepping over strewn bits of glass he surveyed the wreckage. 

Well, he had to admit that he never did anything halfway.  The apartment was well and truly a warzone.  Now if he could only forget about things.

Like seeing Yamato and the way he smiled and the way his eyes dared to hope and the way his voice was just _so_ gentle when he said Taichi's name…

Tai thought he was going crazy.  Or maybe he already had a long time ago.  Maybe he just wanted to.  To let go and slip away, forget about his pain, forget about everything.  He just wanted- needed- to stop feeling things.  Anything!  Something.  His brain was full of blond hair and wistful smiles.  Memories turned fuzzy with age and time, even though they had parted not all that long ago.  But it seemed like a lifetime since he had held Yamato in his arms.  Since he had been kissed, loved.  And it made him ache all over to think about it.  Still, all he could do was think.  Think and remember- soft sighs, sweet songs, tender kisses, red eyes, scratchy voices, sore hands, scattered bruises, broken hearts- _bitter hearts_.  Everything had gotten so out of control at the end…

Hands trembling, Tai reached for the kettle on the stove.  Tea always helped him calm down after a hard day.  Yes, some tea would… Without thinking he had grabbed the kettle, forgetting that he had already heated the water.  His bare flesh gripped the hot metal handle- something Yamato had always warned him about- and he felt a flash of pain.  The soft meat of his hand burning as a reflexive voice in his mind screamed to let go.

But something in that pain felt so good.  Something so sweet in that one moment of cleansing heat.  As if it was searing his memories, burning them away with the pain.  It felt so nice.  Clear, empty… the expression on Tai's face never changed.  He simply let go of the handle and turned the tap on letting the ice cold water run over his palm.  Now if he could only find a more lasting way to keep the peace he was feeling.  Because no matter how sweet it felt, he knew he couldn't keep hurting himself like that all the time.  Not because it was wrong or it meant he was sick.  It was that he knew someone would notice sooner or later.  Taichi certainly had no desire to explain that he needed to hurt himself to forget about the love of his life.  To forget how good it felt to be so alive.

When he felt frozen all the way into his spinal cord, he turned off the water and inspected the damage, hissing as he gingerly touched the already blistering surface.  He needed to find a way to make the feeling last though.  His mind was so clear, so focused.  Ready to take on the world.  Exquisite, beautiful pain to distract him from the loneliness.  Sweet, agonizing hurt to make him forget the emptiness.  As a test he dug his fingernails into his palm, pinching the burned skin.  The feeling was sharp and stole his breath.  If nothing else Tai knew that he'd only gotten a second-degree burn.  Third degree would have fried the nerve endings.

Deep, richly colored eyes as dead as his heart, stared at his own appendage like it was some alien creature.  A thought struck him- a mincing whisper of memory in the back of his mind kicked up, trying to fight it and lost.  His thoughts turned dark, darker.  If it was a bad idea to hurt himself, why not destroy the thing that had caused all of his problems in the first place?  It would be so easy.  Play the game the blond and his girlfriend knew so well.  Smile and lie and fake his way into their lives.  And take them apart little by little.  Win Yamato's trust, his _friendship_, again.  Then break him into a thousand pieces.  Slash him, hit him, mark him, scar him, ruin him the way he had ruined Taichi…

A predatory grin wormed across Tai's face.  He had his coat halfway on again before he realized what he was doing.  Time seemed to freeze.  The thoughts in his head began to make a real impact.  He knew what he had thought of doing.  Killing him?  Destroying him?  Shaking, Taichi pulled his coat off again.  What was wrong with him?  Why was this happening?  Was he going crazy?

Probably.

A moan started deep in his gut and worked its way out of his mouth as he sank to the floor, head in his hands.  Fresh tears started to fall.  So maybe he was crazy- why would it make a difference anyway.  It wasn't as though Yamato cared...

Tai bit his lip.  "No," he sobbed.  That single word was far too small to lay his fears to rest.  "No, no, no, no, no..."

Leaping up from the floor he thought that if he tried to clean maybe things would seem better.  Maybe.  There were too many maybes.  As he swept up pieces of glass and broken picture frames, Tai felt himself slipping again.  All he wanted was to be able to come to terms with what had happened.  He _knew_ Sora was better for Yamato.  But he couldn't accept it.  And he couldn't be at peace until he swallowed his pride and admitted the truth to himself.

"He never loved me anyway.  And even if he did, it doesn't matter anymore.  What's passed is past."  He wasn't sure he believed it himself.  Squatting down to brush up the pile with a dustpan, Taichi winced when he pushed too hard and sent glass flying at his hands- little pieces of shrapnel from his past.  Blood welled in the cuts as he looked around for a towel to absorb it.  The red liquid spattered the floor as he moved through the apartment.  Not that it was so bad.  After all, he had left small puddles of copper smelling liquid trailing behind him the night before.

In the bathroom he wrapped his hands in a towel.  Freshly washed and gleaming white, it simply did what it was meant to do.  Tai shivered and wondered if he would ever feel normal again.  He felt so weak, so pathetic as he cried.  His face a mask of grief, his heart aching in a way that could never be healed, and his eyes closed so tightly against the world.  When his phone rang he nearly jumped out of his skin.

Once he managed to more or less wrap the cuts so that they wouldn't make more of mess, Tai answered the call.  "You want to come over now?"  His eyes widened.  There was no way he could possibly fix things in time.  "Um, my place is... kind of a mess at the moment.  But if you-" His voice cut off to a loud protest from the other end of the conversation.  "All right," he finally sighed.  "But don't say I didn't warn you."

_Then lie as I scream to the heavens above._

_That I was the last one you ever loved._

_Yes, your skin is like porcelain._

Daisuke was at the door not thirty minutes later.  When he saw Tai he stopped cold.  Taichi was sure he looked like a train wreck and his apartment matched the theme.  "Won't you come in?  Forgive the mess," he joked casually.  "I had it in mind to redecorate last night.  It didn't really go as planned.  But I think the sort of punk rock meets Bohemia versus slasher film-set motif kind of works.  Can I take your coat?"  He held out his hands forgetting about his two newest injuries.

Dai swallowed past whatever terror lingered in his throat.  "Jesus, Tai.  What the fuck did you do to yourself?"

At that one, Taichi had to laugh.  "Oh it wasn't me.  It's not what I did to myself.  No, no, no- we can blame Yamato for this one.  I ran into him earlier this evening while I was out at the bar with some colleagues of mine." 

The younger man couldn't help but wince at the mention of where the confrontation had occurred.  He knew all about Tai's problems and what his temper was like when he drank.  Daisuke knew far too well how bad things could get when push came to shove if Taichi had been drinking.  "How much did you have?"  For his part, the younger Chosen tried to act casual as well.

Confused for a moment, Tai stopped in his ranting.  "Hmm?  Oh, no, I didn't drink."  He noticed the profound amount of relief flowing across Daisuke's face.  "Fuck knows what I would have done to him if I had."  Tai snorted.  "Probably would have thrown him up against the wall and tried to screw him as he protested about Sora and moaned for more."

Quiet for a few minutes, the redhead finally cleared his throat.  "You sure you're okay?"

"No, I'm not o-fucking-kay!"  Taichi whirled on the younger man and hissed at him.  "I'll never be okay!  You know what he did.  How can you ask me that?  You know what he fucking did to me and how much it hurt, Daisuke.  You'll be lucky if Ken doesn't do that same thing to you one day!"  As he spoke he grabbed his friend's shoulders and started shaking him violently.  Until Dai scowled and punched the older man squarely in the jaw sending him sprawling.

"Don't ever compare what I have with Ken to you and Yamato."  The younger Chosen's voice was dangerously low.  Unfortunately enough, hitting Taichi had almost felt kind of good.  It made him wonder how accurate the comparison actually was.

Covering his face with his hands, Tai let out a frustrated cry.  "I know, Daisuke.  I'm sorry.  It's just... I _saw_ him..." Words lodged in his throat, not wanted to escape into the air.  "I saw him- and he was with her.  And they looked so happy.  I'm... It just isn't..." Finally, he sighed and rubbed at dry eyes.  "I'm sorry."

It was all the apology one could really expect from Tai at the moment.  "Good enough," Dai nodded.  Then he leaned down and pulled the other man upright.  "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."  Guiding his friend towards the bathroom, the younger man couldn't help but marvel at the complete disaster that was Taichi's apartment.  "Now answer me seriously this time.  What the fuck did you do?"

The pair reached the bathroom and Tai stood leaning against the white sink looking down at his hands.  "I started crying and then I just... flipped out a bit, I guess."

One eyebrow went up and Daisuke pursed his lips.  "Uh huh.  You flipped out a bit you guess.  Right."  Shaking his head he moved to get some disinfectant and cotton swabs.  "You wanna talk about it?"

"Not anymore."  Answering that one was easy, quick.  The first cotton swab took a pass at the fresh cuts.  "Ow.  Man that shit stings."  

They were quiet again for a few minutes.  Daisuke tending to Taichi's wounds.  Taichi wincing and whining at appropriate intervals. 

"Ken and I are leaving tomorrow morning," Daisuke's quiet statement broke the silence easily enough.

Tai nodded.  "All right.  You leave early?"  At the affirming nod, he continued.  "Still want to trade cell phones?"

"Yep."  The redhead did his best to stay as focused as possible on the blistered burn on Tai's left hand.  "Nobody has your number and you can always call me if there's an emergency."  He frowned.  "How the hell did you burn your hand like this anyway?"

"The kettle."  It was stupid Tai knew that.  No need to rub it in.

Another eyebrow up and more poking at the blister.  "I told you to get a new one."  Pausing for a moment he looked up into the other man's equally dark eyes.  "Wait, I thought you did get a new one."

"Yamato took it when he left."  Well that certainly put an abrupt halt to any more questions.  Bandages were put on in silence.  The pair seemed wilted and weary.

After putting the last bit a tape in place, Daisuke managed a smile for the first time since he had walked in the door.  "That should do it.  You'll be better in no time."

Taichi wrinkled his nose.  "You sound like Jyou."  He laughed a bit at the thought of the Chosen of Faith and his young protegee- Keeper of Courage and Friendship- reviewing first aid procedures.

"You know what a klutz I am."  Shrugging, the redhead stretched and moved back out towards the living room.  Debating for a minute he looked at his host.  "Um, is the kitchen a little cleaner so that maybe we can sit down or something?"

At Tai's nod they moved into the other room and sat at the small table.  Silence descended upon them, choking them with tension.  Daisuke's eyes were full of questions, almost accusatory.  Tai's were merely apathetic.  He felt it was unnecessary to explain his actions or their consequences.  However, he knew some sort of conversation would be needed soon.  Before his young counterpart could ask things he really didn't want to answer.

"Is Ken excited about the trip?"  Turning away, Taichi did his best to hide the jealousy in his expression.  He didn't see Daisuke's shrug.

"I can't really tell."  There was a brief pause, eyes tracking familiar movements.  "Don't make any more tea.  I don't think your hands can stand it and I don't want any.  If you want some I'll make it."  When Tai sat, the younger man stood.  "And don't think for one minute that I'm letting you off the hook here, Tai."  With his back to his friend it was much easier to be tough with him.  Really, Dai knew how hard it was.  He had been there for many comfort sessions offering whatever sympathetic words he could.

Waving a dismissive hand, Tai chuckled.  "Fine.  Ask your stupid questions then.  How did I manage to destroy my apartment so nicely?  Or how did I manage to destroy my life in such a similar way, perhaps?"  Biting back his words at the scowl he received, he tried another approach.  "Sometimes it's just too much.  And there's only so many things you can say that'll make me feel better.  Eventually, even the strong ones break down."

Nodding, Daisuke leaned against the counter and folded his arms.  "You still could have called me.  I would have been here.  You didn't have to…" Shaking his head, he tried again.  "I saw all the blood out there.  Don't think I didn't."

"I know."  Quiet words filled with shame.

"Is that all you've got to say for yourself?"  Moving closer to the table, the redhead crouched down.  "You can't keep doing this, Taichi.  You'll kill yourself if you do."

Such familiar words made him laugh.  "Yamato told me that once too."  He looked his friend dead in the eye.  "Right before he walked out the door to go start a new life with someone else."

Daisuke sighed.  "I know."  Backing away he turned to the stove again.  There was no sense in re-hashing the events.  They had happened, it had hurt; Taichi was going to have to move on sooner or later.

"How would you feel if Ken did the same to you?"  His voice was dry, emotionless.  More like idle curiosity than anything real.  "Would you be jumping up and down for joy if he left you for Miyako?  So that he could have a normal life?"

Frowning again, the younger Chosen reached for a potholder.  As much as he wanted to, Dai couldn't turn around to look at Tai when he spoke.  "I'd fucking hate it and you know it.  I mean, even after all this time she still hasn't given up.  And if he would just grow up and tell them…" He shook his head.  

"But you and I both know that even if he left you, you'd stick it out.  You'd never be with anybody else and you would always love him."  The pained look in Daisuke's eyes spoke volumes in answer to that statement.  "We're the Destined of Courage, Dai.  Courage is something that one must bear alone.  All the Kindness in the world can't save you from that burden.  Shit, my sister's Light wouldn't be able to save us from what we are.  Carrying the responsibility of others, leading them through anything, and always knowing that if anything bad happens we're the ones who take the fall?  That's Courage Daisuke.  Real Courage- not some garden variety bullshit to help you make it through the day.  It's what gets us through-"

"Life, I know."  Placing a mug on the table he dropped a teabag into the hot water.  Biting his lip, Daisuke had to fight to say it.  "But what about Friendship?"

Tai slowly shook his head.  "It hasn't done much for me.  And it's not going to make things any easier for you.  So, if things go bad you think you could want only Friendship?  It wouldn't even be possible!  You'd have to keep up your strength- your Courage- in order to see him every day."

Thinking about that for a minute, the younger man paced the length of the small kitchen.  "So, you're saying…?"

"That I'm a big fucking coward, yes."  He replied so easily to something so degrading.  Shrugging it off as though it were par for the course and he had to keep on rolling.  "Don't become what I am, Dai.  Don't ever let him make you into something like me."

Something in those words cut a little too deep for Daisuke.  His mentor, the person he had always wanted to become.  "But, Tai…"

Setting his tea down on the table, Tai stood and pulled his friend into a hug.  "Come on, I'll get you my phone so you can get going."

And a few minutes later, as he turned to leave, Daisuke gave a sweet smile.  His question was meant mostly as a joke.  "Any last minute advice for me, oh wise and powerful leader?"

Tai's face was grim as he nodded and ushered the young man out the door.  "Yeah: if anything suspicious happens, if you suspect for even one second that history is going to repeat itself, don't hesitate.  Leave him- before he leaves you and your entire world falls apart."

He closed the door in Daisuke's face, leaving the younger Chosen staring in horror and pain.

*************

Okay, it is now very late, but I wanted to finish this before it ate a hole in my brain.  Hopefully it didn't come out too bad.  I wanted to give a glimpse of Taichi's special brand of heartache/madness/depression.  There will be a second chapter… sponsored in part by Yamato's thoughts and a continuation of all the pain and misery.  Sweet!  Leave thoughts or commentary.  This fic is kind of a bummer to write, but it's been kicking around in my head for quite some time now… let me know if it's worth continuing. 


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